It took years, a lot of pain and prayer to find my identity. I found it in Him and it has forever changed me. It should come as no surprise that He's at it again.
This year I've been on a different journey that's involved more pain and prayer. This year has been about my heart. I've found out that humanity, even those wearing a Christian name tag, are not generally "good", that people may earn your trust and then misuse it, ask for your heart and then break it and that most people's main concern is their own agenda. I've been made aware that my neighbour's habit disgusts me, my sister's attitude disturbs me, my child's disobedience angers me and that many times I do not love others when their sin is in my face. I've been amazed that God knows all this and more and still loves.
I thought love and affection were the same, now I understand the difference. Affection is the feeling and good thoughts you have towards someone who touches a tender spot deep within you. People express their affection for others in different ways. We usually think it's through hugs but each person has their own language of affection. You may disgust and anger me and I feel no affection for you but I can still love you by deliberately choosing loving actions. Without ignoring your sin, I can work towards your good end by choosing to be kind, patient and longsuffering. Affection is about heart feelings while love is about our will, our choice of action. Upon understanding and growing in that concept, my heart has been stomped on in more ways than I knew possible, and my affection for some people has seemingly disappeared. I want to have good feelings towards those around me.I've mourned this and tried to resurrect good vibes. I thought that by choosing love's actions my heart would fall in line with my will but it hasn't. I've begged God to tell me how to change my heart. He has been silent on that account and just said,"Withdrawl."
I know about withdrawling, as an extremely shy child I could totally disappear while in plain sight. I couldn't get what He was saying. Was I to undo all the hard work of coming out of my shell years ago?
I believe He is telling me to pull back into Him, to not loose myself in serving those around me but to loose my heart in Him - to lavish my affection on the One who deserves it. Our feelings, our affections have a way of wading heart strings into knots that can tangle the reigns God is trying to lead with. That would be why we are told in scripture to " set (determinedly put) our affection on things above." I think that our heart strings have the ability to act as puppet strings that keep us earth bound instead of allowing us to soar heavenward.
'Broken and Spilled Out' has always been a powerful song that's spoken to me, now it's in a new way.
Here's my new heart song:
My heart is a valuable treasure that I won't randomly give
and I'll have no guilt
because it's spilled out on Him.
You may not demand anything of me that He doesn't recommend. My heart's affection
is abandoned to Him.
"Thou shalt love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind and all your strength."
He has my soul, I'm giving Him my heart and He is after my mind and strength. His pursuit of us is amazing. Why don't we quit running away from but instead straight into Him? Because of the pride of life, our claim to individuality? "No flesh can glory in His presence", we must find our abundant life in Him.
